How can I find out if I’m non-binary?

No one can tell you whether or not you’re non-binary. Discovering your gender can be a straightforward process, or it can take many years and a lot of experimentation. There’s no “right” way or “right” time to discover that you’re non-binary.  

It’s common for non-binary people to feel different for all or most of their lives without understanding why they felt this way before realizing they’re non-binary. Exploring your gender and what gender means to you is normal and healthy at any age. 

If you think you might be non-binary, here are some ideas to help you explore:

Find a supportive community.

The LGBTQ+ community is typically very open to people questioning their gender — the “Q” in LGBTQ+ is often used for “questioning,” as in questioning gender or questioning sexual orientation, as well as “queer.” If you live near an urban area, there’s likely an LGBTQ+ resource center, meetup group, or support group in your area. If you live in a remote area, it may be easier for you to find support online. There are numerous forums, e-mail groups, and social media groups for LGBTQ+ people that welcome those who are exploring the idea that they may be part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Read about traditional non-binary identities.

Feeling like you might be outside of the male/female binary in a society that presents the binary as the only option can feel isolating. Many people find learning about traditional third genders in other cultures to be validating. If your ancestry is from a culture that traditionally recognizes non-binary genders, it can be a good way to connect with both your gender and your cultural heritage. Reading about Hijra communities in southeast Asia, Muxe in the Zapotec culture, and Two-Spirit people in Indigenous American communities may be a good starting point for exploring how gender identity and expression can vary throughout the world. 

Explore self-expression

If you think you might be non-binary, you may want to explore how you express yourself and your gender. It’s common to explore different haircuts, styles of clothing, pronouns, and even names to find what feels right to you. You may want to try clothing, makeup, or hairstyles that are more feminine or more masculine than how you’ve presented yourself in the past. 

Some non-binary people choose to medically transition with procedures such as hormone replacement therapy, laser hair removal, or gender-affirming surgery, but many don’t. There’s no pressure to get it “right” — there’s no right way to present as non-binary. You can express your gender in the way that feels most authentic and comfortable for you.

If you’re exploring your gender for the first time, you may feel a mix of emotions — joy, anxiety, confusion, or relief. It’s normal to experience an emotional rollercoaster, but if you experience intense anxiety or depression, or feelings of guilt or shame, it may be helpful to reach out to a gender-affirming therapist. Gender-affirming therapy can help you work through any trauma stemming from biological determinism and reductionism — the prevalent but unscientific idea that gender and biological sex are fixed and binary.

Many non-binary people are worried about how their family, friends, and co-workers will react to their gender. You are not required to come out publicly as questioning or non-binary for any reason. Even though it’s often safer to come out as non-binary than it was a generation ago, there can still be serious concerns such as job security, child custody, or even physical safety, and some areas of the world have minimal legal protections for LGBTQ+ people. 

However, coming out can also be a positive, freeing experience that allows people to fully embrace their authentic selves and find supportive communities. 

Ultimately, no one can decide for you if and when you should disclose your gender — your journey is unique to you.